In North London today, 124 years later, there were scenes of shock, displays of grief, and feelings of loss as news filtered through — via WhatsApp, Bluesky, and the occasional phone call — that Spurs’ enigmatic Chairman, Daniel Levy, had withdrawn the club from the competition for the foreseeable future.

The sacking of Ange Postecoglou, mere weeks after delivering the club’s greatest achievement in more than 30 years, has sent a clear message:

“We don’t want success, we want 4th” — Tottenham Hotspur, June 6, 2025.

It would be cause for dismissal should the next manager to try to win a cup game using anything but the reserves when there’s an away point at Leeds up for grabs a few days later.

It would be a sackable offence for the next manager to bring on Son, the club captain, when a goal behind in a semi-final knowing full-well that Tottenham have to host Everton after the upcoming international break.

And so, for the first time since 1999-2000 when Manchester United pulled out of the FA Cup to play in the new FIFA Club World Cup — which incidentally included a match against South Melbourne FC, managed by Ange Postecoglou — a “big” club has withdrawn from the competition.

The good thing is, at Daniel Levy’s Tottenham Hotspur, you cannot really lose if you don’t really try to win.

And winning, as we now know, results in instant termination.

So, what do they do?

Is it all deep, philosophical musings about the top three best chocolate bars — as Dele Alli famously pondered in the fly-on-the-wall Amazon Docuseries, All or Nothing: Tottenham Hotspur.

Gareth Bale famously spent all his free time on the golf course - Wales. Golf. Madrid. In that order.

Jarell Quansah of Liverpool has been publicly outed for sliding into more OnlyFans Girls DM’s than Jamie Carragher did tackles.

It now appears that Pep Guardiola, as his playing career wound down with stints in Italy, Qatar, and Mexico, spent his evenings staying up late to catch the latest WWF thrillers.

While Pep was one-two-ing between Brescia and Roma, Eddie Guerrero (Ring name: Latino Heat) was heading back from Japan to the US, trading in the NJPW for the WWF.

Predominantly cast as a villain with the catchphrase "I Lie! I Cheat! I Steal!", Eddie’s heyday in the early 2000’s saw him grace No Way Out, WrestleMania, Armageddon, Judgement Day, and more with his wily, loved, anything-to-win attitude before his sudden death in 2005.

"If you're not cheating, you're not trying" — Latino Heat

After an embarrassing loss at the arbitration tribunal in October — followed by an even more embarrassing victory-claiming press release.

After being outmaneuvered as Premier League clubs chose to approve new legislation on Associated Party Transactions in a vote earlier in November.

And faced with increasingly dim chances of remaining in the Premier League following the conclusion of the ongoing hearing relating to “The 115”.

Pep, and his players, are clear.

If they’re no longer allowed to cheat, they’re no longer going to try.

Tottenham Hotspur 2 - 1 Manchester City
Bournemouth 2 - 1 Manchester City
Sporting Lisbon 4 - 1 Manchester City
Brighton 2 - 1 Manchester City
Manchester City 0 - 4 Tottenham Hotspur
Manchester City 3 - 3 Feyenoord

Liverpool ? - ? Manchester City

Earlier today a video allegedly featuring Premier League referee David Coote was leaked on social media platform X (formerly known as Twitter), in which the match official spoke candidly about former Liverpool boss, Jurgen Klopp.

Random coked-up bloke: That Liverpool game when you were fourth official?

Premier League referee: Umm, Liverpool where shit.

Random coked-up bloke: What do you think of Jurgen Klopp?

Premier League referee: Cunt, absolute fucking cunt.

Random coked-up bloke: Why would you say that Jurgen Klopp was a cunt?

Premier League referee: Umm, aside from having a right pop at me when I refereed them against Burnley in lockdown. Then he accused me of lying…I’ve got no interest speaking to somebody who’s fucking arrogant. So, I do my best not to speak to him. Milner’s alright…But, oh my god, German cunt, fuck me. `

Random coked-up bloke: Long story short, Jurgen Klopp’s a cunt, Liverpool are all fucking bell-ends.

Later, in a separate video, David Coote did the equivalent of fleeing from the scene of the crime at low speed for 90 minutes.

Premier League referee: Just to be clear, that fucking last video can’t go anywhere, seriously

Random coked-up bloke: He’s a Premier League referee, let’s not fucking ruin the blokes career, like, let’s face it, we’re good blokes, we can’t ruin a blokes career, we’re not that bad, also, he’s a fucking legend.

The similarities with the US election don’t stop there, early opinion polls appear to have the country split.

48% of respondents to our online poll came to the defence of the beleaguered official, the overwhelming majority of which (84%) believe there should be no punishment for telling the truth, and that free speech is the backbone of our society.

While, on the other hand, 46% showcased a strong outpouring of offence-empathy on behalf of the Gegenpressing master, demanding the nation be more open minded towards those from other backgrounds — even going as far as to offer Jurgen a bed to sleep in should he need it during this tough, inhumane time, though, of course, not at their house. A small, but vocal minority (12%) is calling for David Coote to be cancelled without delay.

Time will tell how the PGMOL — the organisation that oversees referees in the English professional leagues — act. As of 17:00 local time they were refusing to make any further comment when contacted by The Tactical Yellow, however, there have been unsubstantiated reports Howard Webb, head of the PGMOL was seen giving it the Shimmy at his local Weatherspoons before 18:00.

More to come on this story when we have it…

Three Ballon d’Or awards, player of the tournament at the 1974 World Cup, three European Cups as a player for Ajax, another as manager of Barcelona.

Architect of the one and only revolution the game has ever seen, Total Football.

But, to leave it there would be all sausage and no sizzle. It’s character we crave, and Cruijff? He had character.

Don’t forget, we are talking about Johan Cruijff, Feyenoord Legend.

Amsterdam is scattered with Brown Cafes (Bruine Kroegen). Tight, traditional, dimly-lit bars, aptly named due to their dark wooden furnishings, smoke stained wallpaper, and questionable carpet-adorned tables. Walk into any of these cafes in the Dutch capital and you will find framed pictures of Johan Cruijff sporting the red and white of Ajax, or the Oranje or The Netherlands.

He is the city’s hero, and rightly so.

After coming through the Ajax Academy, Cruijff led the Amsterdam club to lofty heights. Three European Cups and eight league titles, collected either side of five seasons at Barcelona and a stint in the States. He was loved, he was revered…until, one day, at least by the club’s board, he wasn’t.

It’s 1983, Cruijff is 36 and has just led Ajax to another league and cup double, his phone rings and Ajax tell him they won’t be renewing his contract.

Angered, motivated, what Cruijff did next was almost unthinkable, he signed for Ajax’s bitter rivals Feyenoord.

Feyenoord vs Ajax is not just a rivalry. It’s the most policed game in Europe — there is a not-so-secret tunnel from the closest train station to the Ajax away end of what is now called the Johan Cruijff Arena which is utilised only when the Rotterdam club come to town, to lead Feyenoord fans to their seats in safety.

This was a signing that pleased nobody expected.

But it happened. Six foot tall, tight shorts, lean, muscular legs, magic stored within. Hair brushed to one the side, chest pushed forward, Johan Cruijff took to the pitch in a Feyenoord kit.

Feyenoord fans were quickly won over.

League champions. Cup champions. 33/34 league games played. 11 goals. 3 assists. Voted Dutch Footballer of the Year (5th time).

Retired.

Vindicated.

Johan Cruijff. Feyenoord Legend.

The Royal Beerschot Football and Athletic Club were once stronger than a Trappist beer, winning the Belgium Football League five times in the 1920s.

Despite some cup success in the 70s the club was riddled with financial issues and was dissolved on the eve of the millennium — resulting in a current unbeaten record of 25 years.

FC Amsterdam — The Netherlands
Unbeaten record: 42 years

Ajax are one of the true giants of European football, you can draw a direct line from the club’s identity to modern football. How does Amsterdam only have one professional football team? (Rotterdam has three)

FC Amsterdam used to be the second, in the 1974/75 season they beat Ajax and Feyenoord away while also defeating Inter en route to the quarter-finals of the 1974/75 UEFA Cup.

That was their peak, relegation from the Eredivisie in 1978 proved too much financially and by 1982 the club was gone, ensuring that as of today, they have been unbeaten in 42 years.

Clapham Rovers — England
Unbeaten record: 110 years

A joint rugby and football club, Clapham Rovers won the FA Cup in 1880 sporting their fantastic home kit of Cerise and French Gray while nine years earlier their striker, Jarvis Kendrick, scored the first ever FA Cup goal.

As with many clubs, matches were suspended following the outbreak of World War I, unfortunately for Clapham locals, they never resumed. To date, their unbeaten record stands at 110 years, phenomenal.

Manchester City - England
Unbeaten in Champions League football for 26 matches

The accolades flooded in and the club was “trending” yesterday. Having beaten the hapless Sparta Praha 5-0 in the recently expanded Champions League group stage, Manchester City had set a new record of 26 matches undefeated in the competition.

Of course, that number includes the quarter-finals last year in which they were defeated by eventual winners, Real Madrid.

Nevertheless Sky Sports, Fabrizio Romano, and general twitter bros like @OptaJoe played the role of newspaper hawker about the monumental achievement to anyone who would listen.

Hopefully, if the 115 charges stick, then Manchester City might one day have an unbeaten run to compete with Clapham Rovers, FC Amsterdam, and K. Beerschot V.A.C.

Giants of football.

Prior to last Saturday, The Football Kingz and The New Zealand Knights represented two high profile, failed attempts at finding a home for professional football in New Zealand’s largest city.

Having seen Auckland FC launched as a passion-project of American billionaire, Bill Foley — owner of AFC Bournemouth in the Premier League, as well as the Vegas Golden Knights Ice Hockey team — a section of locals, calling themselves Tamāki AFC, decided to use the opening fixture to protest capitalism and the owner’s support for Donald Trump’s Republican Party.

Quite what the half-strength flat white sipping Aucklanders know of American politics is unclear, but it will have undoubtedly come as a surprise to the new owner that he and the club would be welcomed to the city in such a way.

Eric Cantona once famously said, "You can change your wife, your politics, your religion. But never, never can you change your favourite football team.”

With Aucklanders refusing to budge from supporting a team they don’t even yet support, wives, churches, and political parties are all said to be keeping a close eye on how the latest A-League upstarts’ season progresses.

“We have recruited well, giving recent call-ups to players like Victor (Boniface) from Bayer Leverkusen and Willie (William Troost-Ekon) from Al-Kholood. We are strengthening the team and we have a clear ambition to play at the FIFA World Cup.”

Asked how he will celebrate World Cup Qualification if his team delivers the impossible, Navorski was clear.

“Big Apple Tour include Brooklyn Bridge, Empire State, Broadway show: Cats.”

One of the most re-told stories in sport is that of disciplinarian tennis coach, Toni Nadal, demanding his nephew — eight year old Rafael — switch from his natural right handed play to become a lefty in order to benefit from the angles of the court it opened up and to utilise a “natural” backhand, subsequently drilling him daily until it became natural.

22 Grand Slam titles and an Olympic Gold Medal later it seems Toni might have been on to something.

But the what if, the untold story, is that of Rafael Nadal’s other uncle, Miguel.

Miguel Angel Nadal played for Barcelona under Johan Cruijff, winning five La Liga titles and the 1992 European Cup, earning 62 caps for Spain along the way. He famously once took Rafael into the home changing rooms at the Camp Nou so he could get a photo with his idol, Ronaldo.

What if it had been Uncle Miguel to take young Rafael under his wing, and not Uncle Toni?

The most likely scenario? Messi would have been a sidekick. Iniesta would have been a substitute. Barcelona and Real Madrid would have ten Champions League titles a piece. And today we would be saying farewell to the undisputed GOAT.

Enjoy your retirement, Rafael Nadal. The greatest football player we never saw.

Oh yeah, by the way, here is a link to a video of Rafael Nadal smashing FIVE goals past then Spain and Real Madrid goalkeeper, Iker Casillas.

As 4:00pm hit on Friday, August 20th, in Zurich much of the city would have been on the terraces enjoying an end-of-summer pint — or grosses, as the locals say — for the fine price of 10 Swiss Francs. Across town at the FIFA Headquarters, located south of Zurich Zoo on the appropriately named FIFA-Strasse it must have been as dry as it was in Doha, the tax-free residence of FIFA President, Gianni Infantino.

For 4:00pm that day was the deadline for TV companies the world over to bid on the rights to broadcast the brand-new Club World Cup in 2025.

With a total of zero bids received, it seems there is more chance that Infantino will obtain (grow) some of Riccardo Calafiori’s “aura” than there is of his expanded and unwanted event being a success.

With high profile players having already rubbished the tournament, and no official sponsors being announced as of yet, one can only wonder how the man who once claimed…

“Today, I feel Qatari. Today, I feel Arab. Today, I feel African. Today, I feel gay. Today, I feel disabled. Today, I feel a migrant worker”

…must see himself today, as he stands in his pearl bathroom, looks in the mirror, examines his crow’s feet, pucks his lips, and struggles to smile.

In August that year, The New York Sun published a series of articles which fantastically gripped the city. Sir John Herschel, a well known astronomer of the age, had discovered — with the help of new, cutting-edge, “hydro-oxygen magnifiers” — life on the Moon.

His words bought these discoveries to life for enthralled readers:

Of animals, he classified nine species of mammalia, and five of ovipara. Among the former is a small kind of rein-deer, the elk, the moose, the horned bear, and the biped beaver. The last resembles the beaver of the earth in every other respect than in its destitution of a tail, and its invariable habit of walking upon only two feet. It carries its young in its arms like a human being, and moves with an easy gliding motion.

— GREAT ASTRONOMICAL DISCOVERIES Lately Made, The Sun, Thursday, August 27, 1835

The articles succeeded in boosting the numbers of subscribers for the paper to record highs, they later quietly announced in a future edition that it had, in fact, all been a hoax.

Quite how the Manchester City PR team believe they can label the arbitration hearing pasting that was handed to them by the Premier League as a success, only they know.

With a quick press release and their fantastic, out-of-this-world storytelling was being parroted by journalists, newspapers, and twitter aficionados around the world, from the wide boulevards of Abu Dhabi to grid-like streets which have replaced the congested thoroughfares of 1835 New York.

The New York Sun is said to have emailed the Manchester City version of events to it’s readership community on the Moon, which was received by many using the now ubiquitous “hydro-oxygen magnifiers”, with rapturous celebration, causing a true Blue Moon.

The most important arrival in Turkey since Constantine The Great had the crowd in a frenzy, from his opening stanza, in which he held the club shirt aloft and proclaimed “this shirt is my skin”, they were his.

The world should be thankful that the man born in Setubal, Portugal, choose football, and not National Socialism.

* * *

At the very same moment, a world away from sunny Istanbul, a bespectacled intern was eating currywurst at the Adidas HQ in Herzogenaurach, Germany, when he noticed a deadline fast approaching.

The decision to kit Arsenal out in white shorts with a blue trim has had grand sporting ramifications.

For this Sunday’s North London derby, forever the reds vs the whites, — if you consider when Arsenal moved from their original home in South London as being “forever” — will now see Arsenal having to play in their black third kits due to Tottenham’s home kit, as normal, being white with blue trim.

We are but one slip of the tongue away from hearing about the white half of North London “doing battle” with the black half of North London.

Pull up a chair, this promises to be a Special One.

That’s why the most popular sport on the planet — the teams, the managers, the players, sometimes even the ball boys — are fixated on picking the brains of other sporting behemoths as they search for every micro-advantage imaginable. 

Antonio Conte famously visited Eddie Jones' England squad "to gain inspiration and tactical ideas" as he stormed to the title in his first season at Chelsea in 2016/17

Eddie Howe goes out of his way to remind people he is a big believer in the All Black's no dickheads policy — presumably speaking about his squad, rather than the ownership. 

Even the multiple series D funded, "greatest of our time", Pep, has been seen chewing the ears off the Boston Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla, having hijacking a post-season photo-op earlier this year.

As they search for an edge, one has to wonder how, of all moments across the history of all sports, Yerson Mosquera, Wolves defender, settled on John Hopoate's 2001 NRL moment as THE moment to soak up when faced with an opening day Premier League fixture against the competition's annual bottlers. 

* * *

While there is no doubt Seadog Saints' Manager, Adam Ogle, will cry to the heavens about the yellow card Jesus received for his reaction in falling victim to The Hopoate, even he will know that as he and Kev prop up the table, there are bigger things to worry about than fingers in bums. 

Gameweek two is upon us.

Game on. 

State of play: 

Top 3: Danny Eaton (69 points), Jon Bailey (69 points), Casey Ferrier (66 points)

Bottom 3: Kevin McCormick (33 points), Adam Ogle (40 points), Andrew Couper (43 points)

Selection of the week: Aaron Richmond making Mo Salah captain of Haaland Down Under's opening day 11: 10/10 

That’s why the most popular sport on the planet — the teams, the managers, the players, sometimes even the ball boys — are fixated on picking the brains of other sporting behemoths as they search for every micro-advantage imaginable. 

Antonio Conte famously visited Eddie Jones' England squad "to gain inspiration and tactical ideas" as he stormed to the title in his first season at Chelsea in 2016/17

Eddie Howe goes out of his way to remind people he is a big believer in the All Black's no dickheads policy — presumably speaking about his squad, rather than the ownership. 

Even the multiple series D funded, "greatest of our time", Pep, has been seen chewing the ears off the Boston Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla, having hijacking a post-season photo-op earlier this year.

As they search for an edge, one has to wonder how, of all moments across the history of all sports, Yerson Mosquera, Wolves defender, settled on John Hopoate's 2001 NRL moment as THE moment to soak up when faced with an opening day Premier League fixture against the competition's annual bottlers. 

After a few false starts and the engine roared into life. The plane — held back initially by boulders placed carefully under each wheel, and restrained by local farmers at the rear — was soon off. It taxied for what seemed like an age, holding the middle of the road, before rising into the air.

135m later the plane took a sharp left, crashing, coming to a halt atop a dry gorse bush.

The pilot’s name was Richard Pearse, New Zealander, first man to fly a plane in the world.

Sometimes, though, even when you think you win, you lose. For, eight months after Richard’s gravity defying moment, it was the Wright brothers in the look-at-us-USA and not in little old Aotearoa, who “won” the title of first to fly a plane.

* * *

Rumour has it Pearce was an Arsenal fan — a club that was, at the time, based in their spiritual home south of the Thames and playing in the London League of Division Two, and sporting their original name, Woolwich Arsenal.

It certainly brings a tear to the eye to know that up there in the sky, far higher than he ever flew on the monumental Monday morning, Richard enjoyed a front row seat, a bird’s-eye view, of the Premier League last season as his beloved Woolwich Arsenal — having lead the league for 93% of the season — duly swerving off course and landed in a bush.

History may be written by the victors. But football is covered by The Tactical Yellow.

Welcome to the 2024/25 Fantasy Premier League season, for the next 38 Gameweeks you’ll be treated, some may say subjected, to a running commentary of all things football — mostly it will be nonsense, but, much like when facing a Mourinho low-block, the ability to see space through bodies, to obtain peace despite the noise, is a skill to separate the winners from the dreamers.

Game on.

Cathy Freeman’s 400m in 200m.

Michael Phelps’ eight golds in 2008.

The Olympics are all about records, and Paris 2024 is no different.

An entertaining match between Morocco and Argentina was reaching it’s climax when, after 15 minutes of added time, Argentina scored a desperate, last minute equaliser.

Or so it seemed.

With fans of both nations entering the field with the game now at 2-2, the match was suspended. After almost TWO HOURS, VAR adjudged the equalising goal to be offside.

It wasn’t until 1954 that the four minute mile fell.

The two hour marathon remains a seemingly unattainable target.

The three hour VAR decision? With the football at the Olympics just getting started, we could be about to witness history.

The lifelong Liverpool fan, having seen Trent Alexander-Arnold's bullet of a penalty send England through to a semi-final showdown against the Dutch, spent much of Saturday night deleting draft tweet after draft tweet after draft tweet. 

Like many of her fellow supporters, the European Championship has turned into an Us vs Them in the battle over how good TAA is or is not. So after wishing for the end of the reign of The House of Windsor for 115 minutes, Mercedes has now well and truly changed gear on this slow Sunday morning. 

"Football's coming home, init!" she sung before downing a pint glass of three panadol dissolved in cider.

"If you let a lot of people watch football, but you don't protect the pleasure of what they watch, that favours business, because the business is that a lot of people watch football. For me, it [the introduction of technology through VAR] does a lot of harm to football. This sport has a particularity: when it becomes completely predictable, it loses its appeal. As time passes, as fewer and fewer footballers are worth watching and as the game produced is less and less enjoyable, this artificial increase in the number of spectators will be interrupted."

He went on to say: "Football is not five minutes of action, it is much more than that. It is a cultural expression, a form of identification. Tell a Uruguayan to watch the highlights of the Celeste…

"There will be more and more, but it has nothing to do with the essence that allowed a population to fall in love with the most identifying significant sign that a people possess. What we should all do is ignore this scenario that is presented to us where controversy, discussion, accusation, the determination of responsibility, become an obsession that deteriorates the climate in which football must be played."

His stint at Parma FC from 1996-99 made his name and stole his heart.

Italian football was at its peak, the best league in the world, and little-old-Parma won the Coppa Italia and the UEFA Cup in 1998-99. Enrico also became a father to his son, Federico.

His heart would not forget Parma, and Enrico, having retired in 2009-10, became a fully fledged, match-going leader of Boys Parma. The Ultras.

Family and football. Everything.

One year later, when Serie A introduced lunchtime (12:30) kick offs at the behest of TV broadcaster money — “you can have lunch with your family or go to the football, not both” — it was Enrico who lead the backlash, marshalling the Boys Parma.

Everything came to a head against Roma one sunny Sunday in late October, their first lunchtime kick off. The revolt began.

As the teams took to the pitch, the crowd inhaled.

The crowd braced themselves.

The crowd took a deep breath.

Then, passionately, the crowd flew into their retaliation.

One by one, ultra by ultra, the entire Boys Parma unit reached into their pockets, took out a homemade sandwich, and started to eat.

Enrico Chiesa, 1990, via Football Italia:

“Seeing as this is lunchtime, especially for families who we are supposed to bring back to the stadiums, we invite all the fans to come to the Curva Nord with a sandwich,” read a statement by the Boys ultra group.

“Let us all bring a sandwich and eat it when the teams step on to the pitch. We’ll eat to show those who think the only fans are to be fleeced sitting at home on their sofas.”

Do not get between Italians and their family.

Ahead of Brazil's first game in the Copa America, the human with the sexiest content available on the internet has today said his country's squad "lack everything". 

A perceived lack of excitement points to a seemingly inevitable failure at the Copa for Brazil, so Ronaldinho announced he is launching an OnlyFans account - posting clips, stills, and comps, containing some of the sexiest moves in football on a daily basis for the duration of the Copa. 

Strap yourself in for a wild ride. Learn your safe word. The internet generation are in for some unparalleled x-rated flashbacks, ones their browser histories won't forget.